Otis's Guide to Living Like a Pig

With our swine-tacular pal Otis staying with us, it really is the Year of the Pig around here, and I have learned quite a few things from this little guy. In fact, I would be remiss not to share some of the wisdom Otis has already imparted in our time together.

So here it is, Otis’s Guide to Living Like a Pig. I hope it puts a wiggle in your step and an oink in your throat.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES, BUT NEVER IN MODERATION Cucumber peels. Old radishes. Crab grass.  Every last tomato on the vine. In fact, if you’re up for it, eat your body weight in vegetables everyday, because your mother told you to and…they’re delicious.

JUST SAY NO! If you don’t want someone to touch you because you’re hot/cranky/annoyed/still hungry, then grunt. They don’t get it? Snout them. If you need to send a stronger message then gum them. You almost never have to take it any further, but if you do, come talk to me. #MeToo

LIFE IS SHORT There is absolutely no reason that you can’t relieve yourself and eat at the same time. I mean, if the clover is right there in front of you, why would you wait?

EAT LIKE A…WELL, ME… Understand that when someone pats their belly and says, “Oh man! I ate like a pig,” they are probably exaggerating, (Pig-xaggerating?), because this how we really eat. See the joy and gusto?

https://youtu.be/_z8SJyOMYaA

YOU DO YOU  When you’re feeling self-conscious about your weird spots, big snout, huge belly, short legs, or unruly gray hair, then take a good look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are one cute pig.

GET YOUR BEAUTY REST You’ll want to look good in all those selfies people are going to take with you.

KNOW YOUR REAL FRIENDS There are plenty of fakes out there. Don’t get confused.

LET IT ALL HANG OUT  It’s never bikini season for a pig.

LOVE THE ONE YOU’RE WITH (Especially if she feeds you tomatoes.)